Dear $RECRUITER,
1. When I respond to your initial cold email with “Please remove me from your mailing list,” the appropriate response is not to re-send that initial cold email with certain sentences removed. You fail at responsible emailing.
2. “I have been trying to reach you for the past few days” — well, obviously you weren’t trying very hard, as I received neither a voice mail nor an email previous to this. You fail at making me feel guilty and thus willing to talk to you.
3. “I would like for an opportunity to get into your calendar as per your availability” — yes, my corporate calendar is on Exchange and that does mean it’s slutty, but c’mon, even it has some standards. You fail at phrasing.
4. “This has reference to the open positions on your company website” — our company web site says “We currently have no open positions.” It’s lying, of course, but that’s only because we’re too lazy to call the web designer. Nonetheless, you’re pretty clearly lying to me here. You fail at not obviously lying.
5. “We have the perfect match resources with the following skill sets mentioned on your company website at a very competitive rate [followed by blank line after blank line].” Perfect match resources? For the nonexistent job postings? Does that mean you in fact have zero resources? Also, I like how you don’t refer to people as people. You fail at pitching.
6. “”[OurCo] is one stop IT Solutions Company. We have helped several organizations such as yours in cutting cost and improving operational efficiencies” [sic].” It’s one stop-IT-Solutions-Company, huh? What exactly is a stop-IT-Solutions-Company? And why would you think I want to stop IT solutions? I like IT solutions. I’d like to see the HVAC guys just try and solve my remote software synchronization issues. You fail at phrasing, again.
7. Your company name is really dippy. I’m pretty sure you just had it made up by a focus group. You fail at naming.
8. Googling your company name reveals that you’re a firm which outsources jobs to India. I have no idea how you decided that my one job posting on Monster — not even currently listed at the moment, by the way — means I am searching to outsource jobs overseas to cut costs. You fail at marketing.
9. You fail a lot, actually.
–sabrina
so my dentist feels that i should probably have come back to have the pain in my teeth investigated some time relatively soon after i had the fillings done. but i felt that going to the dentist only leads to pain, and some pain that could be avoided by simply never eating cold things on the left side of my mouth was better than guaranteed pain (dentist). except i kept forgetting not to eat cold things on the left side of my mouth, and it was getting really really bad, and finally i had no choice but to admit defeat and, after about 18 months, return to the dentist that i’d been so assiduously avoiding. (he’s not a bad dentist; in fact, he’s a pretty good one, and not particularly fearsome. it’s just, tooth maintenance = pain is one of the great inalienable truths of modern life, and i like to weigh in on the side of avoiding pain wherever possible, even if it inevitably leads to being lectured while lying back in a funny chair while a bright lamp shines right in your face.)
words you never like to hear when you’ve gone to the dentist complaining of “extraordinary” sensitivity to cold in one particular tooth: “nurse, get the cold kit out of the freezer!” — not that it was all bad, though. indeed no, the first four or so places he tried were merely slightly cold sensitive. the fifth one had me reflexively curling up in the chair and whimpering, but i didn’t actually knee or kick anyone in the curling, so i figure they got out okay.
in the end, they decided that the fillings i had put in last time were sticking out too far, or something, which led to the teeth being put under pressure, or something, which led to the nerve in one tooth being HEY WAIT A MINUTE QUIT IT ALREADY, or something, so they got the friendly local drill and did a little sanding down, and gave me some sensitive-tooth toothpaste with instructions to let it really sink in… and then they made me my next appointment so i can’t get away again. tricksy dentistses, hurts precious, yesss. :( (but at least they didn’t mention having any more fillings put in — hah!)
