Dear Chicago Police Department, 1st District, 311, and assorted others:
Hi. I have no idea if I just saw someone joyriding a construction crane, on the 800 block of South Clark street at about 8:20-8:35PM on Monday, the 8th of July 2013. I would really have liked to have expressed to you guys how I went outside and saw the crane moving — which was weird, because the construction guys at that site usually knock off at about 3PM or so, and like I said, this was about 8:30 at night, and that is some serious, serious overtime, except for the part where I didn’t actually see anyone on site — as it rotated from about the 10 o’clock position (from my perspective) to about the 4 o’clock perspective, and then the little clamp thing whooshed inward from the furthest position on the crane to the innermost position. Except no one seemed able to handle my complaint.
First I called 311 (well, +1 312-744-5000 actually, because my stupid work phone can’t deal with “9311″ as a valid phone number, so I had to go search the ten-digit number, but that’s not your fault), and I tried the ‘file a police report’ number and I even knew my police district, but when I finally got through to someone, she said I had to dial 311. WHICH I HAD. So she gave me a new number, which was, like, the chief superintendent of detectives. I probably could have left him a message, but I assume he had better things to do, like investigate murders and shit, so I hung up and dialed 311 back again. This time I held for a representative. And I held. And I held. I held so long. I grew grey hairs, and my kitten became old enough to vote, before someone picked up the line. And I described to her, “I am not sure, but I think I just saw someone joyriding a construction crane on the 800 block of south Clark,” and she said, “please hold, I’ll transfer you to non-emergency.” I was like, “okay, cool.” And I held.
And I held.
I held the line. So long.
And then someone picked up! And I explained to him that I thought I had seen someone joyriding a construction crane on the 800 block of south Clark. And he said, “you need to dial 911.”
DUDE THAT WAS FUCKING FORTY-FIVE MINUTES AGO NOW, I WATCHED THE GUY CLIMB DOWN THE CRANE, HE IS GONE, HE IS IN HIS CAR AND BACK IN INDIANA BY NOW, IT IS NO LONGER A FUCKING EMERGENCY! I HAVE BEEN ON HOLD SINCE THIS POTENTIAL CRIME HAD ITS FIRST BIRTHDAY! ARE YOU SERIOUS? I SHOULD JUST **SEND A FUCKING LETTER TO THE CHICAGO POLICE DEPARTMENT** AT THIS POINT!
oh my god, 311. For reals. I tried to call you because, like, no shit was actually on fire and nobody was bleeding, and those are my qualifications for dialing 911. But seriously. This shit was fucking worthless.
If someone drops a construction crane on a car tomorrow on the 800 block of south Clark, it is NOT MY FAULT because I TRIED TO TELL Y’ALL’S DUMB ASSES but YOU WEREN’T LISTENING.
seriously, are you fucking kidding me?,
cc:CPD 1st district by USPS because seriously wtf dudes.