1. When I respond to your initial cold email with “Please remove me from your mailing list,” the appropriate response is not to re-send that initial cold email with certain sentences removed. You fail at responsible emailing.

2. “I have been trying to reach you for the past few days” — well, obviously you weren’t trying very hard, as I received neither a voice mail nor an email previous to this. You fail at making me feel guilty and thus willing to talk to you.

3. “I would like for an opportunity to get into your calendar as per your availability” — yes, my corporate calendar is on Exchange and that does mean it’s slutty, but c’mon, even it has some standards. You fail at phrasing.

4. “This has reference to the open positions on your company website” — our company web site says “We currently have no open positions.” It’s lying, of course, but that’s only because we’re too lazy to call the web designer. Nonetheless, you’re pretty clearly lying to me here. You fail at not obviously lying.

5. “We have the perfect match resources with the following skill sets mentioned on your company website at a very competitive rate [followed by blank line after blank line].” Perfect match resources? For the nonexistent job postings? Does that mean you in fact have zero resources? Also, I like how you don’t refer to people as people. You fail at pitching.

6. “”[OurCo] is one stop IT Solutions Company. We have helped several organizations such as yours in cutting cost and improving operational efficiencies” [sic].” It’s one stop-IT-Solutions-Company, huh? What exactly is a stop-IT-Solutions-Company? And why would you think I want to stop IT solutions? I like IT solutions. I’d like to see the HVAC guys just try and solve my remote software synchronization issues. You fail at phrasing, again.

7. Your company name is really dippy. I’m pretty sure you just had it made up by a focus group. You fail at naming.

8. Googling your company name reveals that you’re a firm which outsources jobs to India. I have no idea how you decided that my one job posting on Monster — not even currently listed at the moment, by the way — means I am searching to outsource jobs overseas to cut costs. You fail at marketing.

9. You fail a lot, actually.