Dear People Who Make Brecks:

Your “Holiday Collection™ Conditioning Shampoo with Aloe Vera, Nettle, & Sage” makes a halfway decent bubble bath, in a pinch. Who knew?


Dear The Entire South:

Sometimes when I travel, someone from the South asks me why anyone would want to live in the North, especially since I seem to like the South all right. Well, I’ll tell you why. It’s because we have winter.

You see, three or four months of everything being frozen does something valuable for the environment and those who live there: it kills bugs. Sure, we have to shovel snow in February while y’all have blooming rose bushes, but then you don’t see giant flying cockroaches in Illinois, do you?

So, the answer to the age-old question as to why Northerners are uppity Yanks with a sense of superiority is this. It’s not because we won the Civil War and then proceeded to carpetbag the shit out of you, it’s because when it comes down to a battle between frozen precipitation and creepy, crawling creatures with antennae, too damn many legs, and carapaces, snow wins every time.

The North Rocks!


p.s. The alligators are also not helping your case.

Dear Unmitigated Jackass Who Tried to Kill Me on I-40 E between Memphis and Nashville at Around 8 O’clock P.M. on Friday, the 15th of July, 2005:

Hi. I’m really sorry1 that you had just powdered your nose before the rain started, but listen up close when I tell you that when I did not speed up after you started riding my ass and blinking your bright lights at me it was not because I didn’t get the message.

You might have noticed that there was rather a lot of water falling from the sky down on the road. Occasionally there were large pools of standing water. You might also have noticed that everyone on the road was driving somewhere between 35 and 45 miles per hour. Most of us had our hazard lights on, because it was impossible to see anything. In fact, I myself could see barely one car length in front of me, and I did not feel that it was in my best interests to drive any faster than 40. And although I would really have liked to, I could not move over and let you drive your damn fool self off the road, as the right lane was full of other people who couldn’t see a goddamned thing (but who, it is important to note, were not driving like unmitigated jackasses and instead used a little something we good drivers like to call “common sense,” which translated in this situation to “driving slowly and cautiously”). When I finally did get a free spot so that I could move over and let you go by as you were so clearly desperate to do, it was absolutely not appropriate for you to continue to blink your lights at me out of spite, as i signalled for my lane change and moved. You are truly an asshole par excellance3.

So, Mr. Unmitigated Jackass Motherfucking Son of a Bitch Shithead,


Also? If I had any way of knowing who you were, I would make it my life’s mission to find you and break your motherfucking nose for scaring the shit out of me like that. Shithead.

Sincerely — and I really meant it about that “Fuck off and die” part, just please try (for a delightful change in pace) not to take anyone else with you when you go,

1 – That was sarcasm2.
2 – That means I was lying.
3 – That means you’re a really big asshole, and not even your momma loves you because of it.

Dear Whoever Invented Waterproof Mascara:

You rock.