there are ants in my car.
ANTS. in my CAR. i don’t mean, like, five of them. i saw five of them when i opened my trunk lid, and they were hanging out on the exterior part of the car where leaves and dust get trapped between the trunk lid and the car body, on the correct side of the trunk seal. i politely and calmly informed them that they had better leave, as i did not intend to import them to illinois, as illinois has got all the ants it needs, thank you. not that they listened, the little fuckers. then i opened the front passenger side door. there are DOZENS of them. and the thing is, i don’t know if they’re perfectly ordinary ants, or if they’re fire ants, because i can’t tell them apart. but i’m sure as fuck not getting in my car until they’re gone. fire ants are lovely creatures:Worker ants are dark, small, highly variable in size, aggressive, and sting relentlessly.
emphasis added, because … AAAAAAAAAAAUGH!!!!
however, this is just a flat-out lie:Because not all fire ants are the pest species, distinguishing native from imported is an important first step before proceeding with chemical treatment.
no! fuck no! kill them! kill them all NOW NOW NOW NOW. especially the little fuckers in my car! my poor baby car!
i know what happened. i was eating apples as snack food while driving, and while one of the apple cores made it into a plastic ziploc bag when done, i tossed one down on the rubber floor mat when i didn’t have a bag handy, intending to remove it when i cleaned out the empty water bottles that also landed down there. then i forgot when i got here. but, dammit, it’s not like i left my car windows open for three days! the first evening i arrived, i did roll all the windows down so that i could listen to the stereo while sitting outside and waiting for mom and jack to get home, but, … GO THE FUCK AWAY! how did they find one apple core inside a car? and why did they bring A THOUSAND FRIENDS?! i hate bugs. i don’t mean that i’m totally bugophobic and will go into a spastic fit upon seeing one — if i did, i’d never be able to make it one day in texas, much less three, because believe me, they’ve got some real winners down here — but i really, really, really don’t like them. spiders are cool, because spiders eat bugs, but everything else can just go straight to hell. especially the ones with more legs than they are legally entitled to. i am prone to yelling at them, even though bugs are not known for listening to reason (“there is no food in here! get the hell out!”), and being shaky after a serious bug-squick. i really, really, really, really hate bugs. god bless northern climes, where bugs do the decent thing and FUCKING DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE every winter. mom left to take one of the cats to the vet because her paws were bleeding (she possibly got in a fight or something, but it can’t hurt to have it looked at), and so i can’t leave until she gets back and tells me if those are fire ants or not, and tells me how to KILL KILL KILL KILL them DEAD DEAD DEAD DEAD. that’s it, it’s official: Texas is Hell.
