i was catching up on some of the blogs i follow, the other day, and it seems that andrew sullivan has begun some sort of search to find the “best” worst 80s video. i was lucky enough to happen to browse at just the right time to note his posting about bonnie tyler’s “Total Eclipse of the Heart.” and because the evil in andrew’s post infested my heart and made me evil too, i’m posting it here so not only do you not have to click onward to find it, you will practically be unable to stop yourself from clicking “play” right here and now.

this really is, like, the ultimate 80s video fetishish’s every fantasy fulfilled. seriously. we have all the standards!

  • doves! doves being set free by innocent children! doves flying around on their own in places where normally you wouldn’t have doves flying!
  • doors opening by themselves to display the strong floodlighting within!
  • veils hanging in doorways blowing artistically in the strong wind that most people would attempt to caulk out!
  • ladies’ costumes designed by stevie nicks!
  • slo-mo! lots and lots of slow-mo!
  • smashing wine glasses while attempting to toast!
  • FOG, FOG EVERYWHERE! THE 80S WERE A VERY FOGGY TIME!!
  • candles! conveniently and yet unsafely located very near the blown-veiled doorways!
  • emotional singing into a mirror!
  • enormous gothic bedrooms decorated with lace fans and dolls!
  • running across courtyards in yet more slow motion!
  • a woman with 80s big hair dressed in men’s clothing!
  • an enormous close-up of the full moon!
  • so much eyeliner it’s amazing she can actually lift her eyelids!
  • people in angel wings!
  • emotional arm-outflingings in silhouette in front of bright, bright light!
  • running up stairwells! running down stairwells! running, running towards any stairwell one can find!

“once upon a time there was light in my life, but now there’s only love in the dark” — well, that’s what happens when you’re apparently dating an entire school of 14-year-olds!

but wait, there’s more!

  • dancing ninjas in an enormous gothic church! DANCING NINJAS!!
  • the entirety of the would-be Sharks and Jets stolen from a production of “West Side Story” dancing up a staircase!!!!
  • flying, glowing-eyed choirboys!!!
  • dude, … were those just football players???
  • slightly older boys dancing in ill-fitting loincloths, which is apparently what the dress code is like at this english boarding school full of ALIENS!!!!
  • my personal favorite: the swim team, standing in a closet with goggles on, as someone dashes a bucket of water on them!
  • and apparently after this evening of angst-filled and unclothed dancing, the headmaster finally shows up, wearing a mortarboard. IT IS GRADUATION DAY! TURN AROUND, BRIGHT EYES!!

people, this thing makes no sense! it not only makes no sense, it actively extracts sense out of the universe. and yet, i remember the 80s! people took this song seriously! people didn’t snicker, they cried while listening to it! couples made it “their song”! people obsessively played it on jukeboxes and harangued local radio stations to play it! what was the matter with us all? was there something in the water? when will the “Total Eclipse of the Heart” reign of terror finally be over?!