so this article, There’s No Shame In Not Being Able to Afford It from I’ve Paid for This Twice Already, is a nice reminder for me at the moment.

this is not my first time being in las vegas, but it is my first time “going to vegas” — last time i was here for DefCon in, what, ’05 or something, and so i spent my time working on my computer or hanging out at the conference, or i walked around doing some sightseeing. i only went into a casino to get access to the monorail — because, dude, monorail. this time, however, i am staying on the strip, at the IP (my opinion: a little divey. i want a coffeemaker in my room, dammit. but my third and fourth nights cost me about $57 apiece, so i guess i can’t complain too much.), and i’m here with friends, most of whom are gambling, somewhat experienced at doing so, and nearly all of whom are spending money relatively freely. i, on the other hand, stopped at the bank on my way to the L on friday to catch my flight, and withdrew $400, all of which was strictly budgeted for my trip — food, transit, tchotchkes, and gambling.

it’s a little lonely being budget girl, and — limited to $90 in cash most days — not able to just go plug in $100 to a machine and goof off with everybody. i don’t know how to play poker well, so i’ve stayed away from those tables; craps still confuses me, and roulette just seems … like roulette. except for blowing some cash on the Wheel of Fortune quarter machines, mostly i’ve stuck to video poker, at which i was pretty bad at first because i didn’t know the rules, but once i got it figured out, i got it so i could run the machine for a while and drag $20 out for quite some time. still, i feel a little bit left out since i can’t go spending money without putting thought into it. and i’ve totally been feeling the lure of the ATM: come on, it’s your last day, it’ll be good, have some fun!

and so, here i am now, chilling in my hotel room (quiet! oh god, i’ve come to the conclusion that the casino floor is what hell must be like for epileptics. flashy flashy blinky blinky BOOP BOOP CH-CH-CHING blinky WHEEL! OF! FORTUNE! blink!), being sort of sulky in my room when other folks are off playing poker tournaments. and then i stumbled across that blog post, which is a helpful reminder for me right about now.

I refuse to be ashamed about the fact that I don’t intend to go into more debt to fund this.
Sadly, the reality is, I still feel embarrassed about it in my head. … there is no shame in the truth, and the truth is – we have to budget and save over time to make this work. I get so hung up on “appearances” and the idea that money would cause me to put this off makes me feel like I can’t keep up the appearance that we’re doing just fine.

although the author is talking about having to save up to be able to have her wisdom teeth out, and so my silly las vegas spending money worries are a little bit frivolous in comparison, it’s still nice to read something that someone else feels the same way. even though i know all my friends here would love me all the same if i spent $400 in vegas or $4000, i still feel a little pressure to go hit the magic money machine and spend a little more time downstairs at the machines. (i’m sure the casino people work long and hard hours to make me feel that pressure.) frankly, i’m sort of shit at the whole gambling thing — cut me some slack, i’m a first timer! — and i don’t want to waste more money, but i am still feeling a little tug to go downstairs and try my luck. but, i budgeted what i could afford this month, and i’m down to $42, and that has to get me to the airport tomorrow and buy me a book to read and something to eat for lunch on the plane. so, no more gambling for money for me. i can’t afford it. and that’s, deep breath, okay.