as i have previously had issues with denying myself things i wanted and then being immediately presented with something bad — am wondering if the fact that i decided against buying new speakers (which i really really want, and have wanted for months — have actually gone out shopping intending to buy, twice!, eventually talking myself out of it both times because i don’t really need them) is why i had to spend $280 taking poor pathetic kiyoshi to the veterinary ER last night.

he’s okay now, but man, was he not happy yesterday. first he’s yakking all over the carpet and, uh, let’s just say “engaging in unusual behavior patterns,” then he gets stuffed into the kitty carrier and hauled to the vet (meanwhile i’m both worried about my poor cat and also starving to death because i hadn’t eaten since lunch and i was getting ready to go out for dinner when kiyoshi started freaking out), then he gets poked and his temperature taken and x-rayed and an IV and all kinds of mean nasty ugly horrible things (right there on the group W bench). they gave me a CD-ROM of his x-rays, antibiotics, and i have to start feeding him metamucil and take him to his regular vet for a checkup. poor cat just can’t catch a break. all he wants to do is take a nap, man!

so, in short, these things make me wonder. i’m crap at self-denial, but am i so crap that engaging in it actually causes bad things to happen? am i meant by a cosmic force to yes, have those great shoes! yes, get speakers for your kitchen! yes! should i continue to be more scared of the consequential having of no money than i am of the potential consequential DOOM!, or should i give in and CONSUME!?

man, being a grown-up is confusing.