i’m really good at making lists.

you laugh, but it’s a skill. and it’s one i happened to get instead of, say, “the ability to read the magazines you subscribe to before you have a stack of ten,” or “the ability to resist when someone puts crab rangoons on a plate in front of you.” so, you make the best of what you’ve got, and therefore i make a lot of lists.

(unfortunately i wasn’t fortunate enough to get a large pile of follow-through to go with the list-making, but hey.)

i have lists all over the place. right now my whiteboard is covered not with elaborate plots to redesign something, or diagrams, but with three separate to-do lists and three matrices of machine information. (and a demonic Fluffy, but that wasn’t my doing, unless you count the giggling encouragement.) i carry a daily planner notebook which is full to the seams with lists of all kinds of things. i have a list taped to my kitchen wall to remind me of what chores to do before i leave for overnight or longer, and a list in my medicine cabinet reminding me of what to pack when i go away. i keep lists in my wallet of what size picture frames i’m looking for, in case i find a sale, and what size and type of knitting needles i have (and whether they’re aluminum, plastic, or bamboo), so i don’t accidentally buy duplicates.

oddly, i never use grocery lists, which is probably why i forgot to buy flour last night.

but anyways, making lists is a calming thing. it helps define the things that otherwise get me all flummoxed, and put them into tiny little achievable boxes. it’s a huge, huge difference for me to look at a five page to-do list of tiny actually-doable tasks, versus looking at a six-line to-do list of things i don’t even know where to start with. it’s the vague and huge things that make me want to lock myself in my apartment and never come out until the bad project dies, which, as it happens, it never does. because bad projects are evil like that.

so i’m breaking down the apartment hassles into a list. (actually, i started a while ago.) it’s going well. i’m trying to coax myself out of this huge sense of anxiety i’ve been feeling about the entire process. because if i have a list, then i can do things, and check them off, and all that means things are under control.

the list is a good thing. the list makes me happy. the list keeps me from curling up and rocking back and forth in the corner while mumbling “this is not happening” on an endless loop. i love lists.