i have been trying for weeks to find a used kitchen table.

every weekend, i pull up ebay (among other sources) and browse and see what they have. i am of the opinion that when it comes to used things (especially common things like used formica dinettes) if something is not perfect i should let it go by, and worst case if it’s perfect but i didn’t realize it and let it go by, something very similar will come up sooner or later anyways, so it’s not worth stressing over. except, you know… sometimes…

this week i had a couple of potential hits. one of them almost immediately got bidded out of my price range (with days and days left to go on the auction, sheesh), then another took several days before someone bid it up. i had one other prospect, left alone by other bidders probably because the seller wouldn’t ship and it didn’t have matching chairs. naturally, i just got sniped on it and lost the auction — a fucking ebay auction for a stupid $10 table that nobody else was even interested in until the last fucking thirty seconds of the auction, and i was going to drive out to the milwaukee suburbs to get it, and i even had asked the seller questions ahead of time about it, and i was being paranoid and reloading the page even though nobody else had even bid on it at all, and i was so happy to think i had finally gotten my table… and I HATE STUPID TABLE THIEVING EBAY SNIPERS! i worked to find that auction! it was perfect! and i just want a stupid kitchen table! dammit!


i hope you drop it on your foot while loading it into your TACKY MINIVAN, and break every metatarsal in your foot and have to be in a cast for MONTHS, you ENORMOUS TWERP.