one of the things that i hate a great deal about myself is that i’m generally very aware of the implications of the things i do. (not always, but generally. usually the things i don’t think about are spoken out loud.) for example, i don’t eat a cookie without feeling guilty, even if i really want the cookie and it’s making me happy otherwise. i have this constant little internal conversation going on with myself about everything i do. take this blog, for instance. even the most trivial shit that i post usually gets argued about — “don’t post that, you’re going to waste space on people’s friends pages and annoy them, and no one cares what buildings you like downtown anyways,” or “don’t post that, you might accidentally spoil the ending of ‘Buffy’ for someone who hasn’t seen it yet.” never mind that buffy ended two years ago! — and i won’t even begin to start in on the internal discussions that go on about less-trivial stuff. i resolved to be generally very “fuck you” to my internal voice of caution with regard to posting things here, which is what results in me posting inane shit all over the place. i like the blue light, so fuck you, stupid mental voice; i’m going to post the blue light because i feel like it, and i’ll like looking at the picture of the blue light even if no one else does, and you can just piss right off.

this, more irritatingly, comes out to play in work situations. i’ll get an inquiry from someone, and in answering it, i’ll not only think about the answers, but about the repercussions of answering: am i inadvertently usurping someone by answering, even if all i intend to do is answer? if i continue to answer after thinking that i might be doing something someone else might prefer to do himself, should i stop answering? but the question still needs answering. so is it stupid to not answer? what if by answering, it has the effect of making me look good? should i deliberately avoid doing things that make me look good, in order to avoid the appearance of trying to look like i’m trying to make myself look good? what if i don’t want to look good, i just want to answer the stupid question? what if i only reply to the original sender, instead of replying to all — that way the questioner gets his question answered more quickly, but nobody else has to see me answer, especially someone who might not want me to answer? but if i do that, am i not just playing into the making myself look good, by answering at all, game?

i swear to god, i make myself crazy with this shit. that’s a true transcription of the conversation i had with myself this morning before telling someone that a machine had four cpus and sixteen gigs of core. of all the trivial goddamned shit, honestly. but don’t let me lead you on to think that this only happens with trivial shit. it happens ALL THE TIME. i feel like i can’t do anything at work without spending at least five minutes in contemplation of what it means for my position and the position of those around me. it’s fucking tiresome. i want my brain to shut up.