well, one thing i forgot to note earlier this week — since i decided that this week was pretty much shot, i might as take advantage of it and not ruin any other weeks that might not be this upsetting, so i called my mom and told her i needed her to pay rent.

i’d been putting it off for a long time because it’s extraordinarily unpleasant — the mingled irritation with her for always forgetting which forces me to ask repeatedly, which makes me feel guilty even though i know she agreed at the outset to pay for the house, but she never has, so the irritation comes back, and now i’ve burned through all my liquid and most of my illiquid savings to keep paying for the stupid thing, but i still have to keep asking her.

but also i was hoping that if i got the webadmin position i wouldn’t have to ask, that there would be at least a little bit more money so i could afford the house. of course i didn’t get it, though, so now i badly need the money and had to ask mom for it.

i’m just so damn depressed. was talking to someone last night and realized i really wanted to go on vacation, just get the hell away from everything that’s making me so sad, just for a couple of days, but i can’t even afford a couple hundred dollars to fly someplace and crash at a friend’s for a weekend, much less have a real vacation. a friend invited me to go to vegas on the spur of the moment about two weeks ago and i would have loved to have gone, but of course i couldn’t. last year, i had wanted to take a vacation and go somewhere in january, which i knew ages ago wasn’t going to happen, and then i thought maybe this summer, but that’s out too at this point.

and it’ll be like this for at least the next year, unless i leave the university and find a new job elsewhere that pays better. but even if i do leave, it’ll be probably six months at the new employer before i accrue any vacation, so basically i’m just stuck from now on.

i would dearly love to stop feeling this angry, hurt, stressed out, and depressed about everything, but just can’t figure out how anymore. my job sucks and i have no hope for it any longer, and i don’t know what i can do.