oh, how i love my coworkers! this one, spawned as a result of a discussion of whether it ought to be a “tréo,” a “trēo,” or just a plain “treo” — had me weeping tears of joyous mirth.

Date: Tue, 17 Aug 2004 14:37:13 -0500
From: Johnson Fowler <fowler@xyzpdq.uchicago.edu>
To: info@palmone.com
Subject: Please remove macrons from your product branding.

Dear “Pa1mOne” info:

Please pass this on to your marketing department. You can probably find them in a big roomful of pastel-colored cubicles, near the juice and espresso bar / employee gym, where they can sit on Italian leather barstools and congratulate one another on their cleverness while working on their backhands.

—-

Dear marketing droids:

At first I had come here only to ask you why you felt it necessary to place a macron over your Treo’s ‘e’. I wanted to know: what is this mark for, in your branding? The common use of the macron in Latin instruction does not appear to validate this usage, unless you intend the pronunciation “Trayo”. Granted, this might be the intention, but it’s not working if so: everyone I’ve heard speak the word pronounces it plainly “Tree-o”, and you’d arguably be better off with an acute. (Arguably! This said, I wish you wouldn’t.)

I can only conclude that it must be the puerile usage of the macron in children’s education: the “long E”. But to this, I have to ask: why? To any American, it’s obviously a long ‘e’. Nobody — nobody! — would ever think of pronouncing your word “treh-o”. There is no conceivable chance that this could or would ever be thought a “short e” by anyone passingly familiar with Western pronunciation. The only alternative is the aforementioned “trayo”, which I grant is more common, even requisite, in Europe — but is it so necessary to compel your European buyers to pronounce your word in American fashion that you must resort to such juvenile conventions as the overt macron, making your gadget look more like a child’s Fisher-Price or Wham-O handheld made of cheap plastic, lately removed from its bubble-top packaging, loaded with AA batteries, and playing Simon or Guess What Number I’m Thinking? Save us all some respect, please. It’s no loss to your branding that Germans call their British friends on “Trayos”, but get called back on “Treeos”. What kind of egregious lack of perspective leads you to worry about this?

But in double-checking this sin on your web site, I discovered the problem is much greater than I had realized. You’ve placed a very plain macron on “Tungsten”, as well, and a silly sort of something above “Zire”, as well. Lord only knows what the hell “Zire” and “Treo” are supposed to mean or inspire in the minds of your customers, but the macrons are really too much. They are insulting to your potential buyers, besides making your company look like thorough dolts. The macron over the ‘T’ in “Tungsten” makes absolutely no sense whatsoever; it simply leaves the potential buyer wondering: “Why the fuck is there a macron over the ‘T’? Perhaps it is the fabled, little-known long T, which is pronounced with more delay between the clicking of the tongue against the palate and the lowering of the tongue accompanied by a release of breath. Or perhaps the Pa1mOne marketing people are just that stylin’! OK, that’s cool: I definitely want to purchase a Tungsten right now.” Not really. It is laughable, when it does not make me weep tears of pathos for the future of our cultural intelligence. On this, perhaps, you are to be congratulated: your fashion is like a finely-conceived, bittersweet art film. You are truly “Steel Magnolias”.

Likewise, the half-witted pseudo-macron over “Zire”. What, pray, is this? should I see in this a sneaky likeness of the letter ‘i’? Of an exclamation mark? Of a one and a zero? If so, truly you are too witty. If not, WHY IN NAME OF THE BLEEDING STIGMATA OF ST. FRANCIS IS THERE A MACRON ON A ‘Z’? What the hell is that? I expect I need not go on, but Jesus on a popsicle stick, where do you get this kind of shit? Do they teach you accent abuse and co-option in marketing school?

I appreciate any attention you can give this issue. These macrons — and the faux-macron thing — ought to be removed promptly. The judgment, naturally, is yours; yet please be aware that yours has already been questioned. Have no doubt: you will be mocked. But perhaps it’s not too late to be mocked less.

Yours,

Johnson Fowler
President
Grammarians for a Brighter Future