pirate dan was telling me the other day about a military proposal for a non-lethal weapon to be used against enemies: the sex bomb. apparently, the idea was that you would drop this bomb on your enemies and they would just go off and have sex with each other, thus making them all bitchy the next morning when they realized what had happened, so they wouldn’t want to fight anymore whilst having these “OMG, i just fucked a guy!” revelations.⁰

this sounded incredibly improbable to me. i mean, i think i read that story on fanfiction.net one time.

apparently i was wrong, though. gay.com:

The aphrodisiac chemical would be designed to make enemy soldiers sexually irresistible to each other. The resulting widespread homosexual behavior, the proposal suggests, would cause a “distasteful but completely non-lethal blow” to morale.

you know, i’m not a scientist or anything, but i have a couple of questions here.

first of all, how are you going to make sure that you infect the enemy with gayitude, rather than just “screw anything that moves, or possibly that doesn’t, or maybe just your hand ‘cos, i mean, it’s right *there*”? are you just relying on the numbers and the testosterone — which is just the tiniest *smidge* sexist, you know — or have you actually magically isolated the gay light-switch? because if you have, i think you need to release that information to me under the FOIA so i can go talk to some people and maybe bring them tasty home-baked goods.¹

second of all, exactly how naive are you? it seems to me that the premise of such a weapon must be that everyone is naturally homophobic … and a sensitive, introspective (…gay!) type of person, as well, someone that’s just going to sit there and mope about having discovered that the prostate is good for more than getting cancer. you don’t think that, oh, i don’t know, this presupposed homophobia will lead the sex-bombed into blushingly asking their tricks, “so… let’s go bomb those fuckers into the next millennium, because i *totally* didn’t mean to stick my dick up your ass”?

and, i mean, i’m not even going to touch the gay-politics implications of someone proposing the development of such a weapon — i’m not going to jump on my liberal high horse about how dare you use natural, healthy sexuality as a way to hurt poor innocent people, blah de fucking blah. i’m still hung up on the “my god, someone thought that was practical enough to actually put it on a piece of paper and hand it in to their boss???” i mean, seriously, were you out drinking with your buddies and they dared you to propose a sex bomb? is this the product of too much jaegermeister?

(also, i have a pretty kinsey scale-friendly philosophy of human sexuality, so there you go.)

i think i have to go listen to tom jones now.

p.s. it’s worth reading the (very brief) article just to see what other things were apparently a part of the proposal as well. ftr, they all support my “drunken dare” theory.

—
0 – of course, dan told this to me in the context of “i totally want that weapon, so i can drop it on chicago while wearing a gas mask, thus eliminating all other men from my competition, and i can just sit back and reap the harvest of boobies.”

1 – i mean, everybody likes cookies.