the everyday adventures of sabrina

i had time to kill between 5 and 6:30, so i decided to go to the homely despot and scope out window air conditioner units, since i had been thinking of getting one for home. (i have two portable units, of i think 10,000 btus apiece, but they had trouble coping some times last summer when it got very hot out, so i thought if i added a third, i would be sitting pretty all summer long.) since the bedroom had been very hot (as the portable units were in the kitchen and the living room) and sometimes i had trouble sleeping as a result, and also because obviously the electric circuits in the living room and the kitchen were already spoken for, i decided to put a new unit in the bedroom window if i got one.

so i went to the despot just south of roosevelt on clinton — thinking that all the apartments in that area would have central air, and therefore there would be a good, un-picked-over selection of window units — and wound up buying an LG LWHD1006R, a 10,000 btu unit for about $200. i lugged it out to the car, loaded it up, and … found it to be only 5:25. what to do, with an hour yet to kill, an air-conditioner in the car, and nothing to do? i decided to drive the a/c home and unload it, and then return downtown for my 6:30 spinning class at Loopy Yarns.

this plan was perfect, except for the part where i got stuck in traffic.

it took me twenty-five minutes to traverse jefferson st. north from roosevelt to madison. that is ONE MILE, y’all.

i decided at some point that if i hadn’t made it to milwaukee ave. by 1800, i was going to turn around and just go back to the yarn store.

fortunately, i diverted west to halsted and then jogged west on chicago, thus arriving at chicago and milwaukee at exactly 1800. i decided to continue on home. i made it home about 1810, and unloaded the a/c and then …

well, let’s just say that you haven’t lived until you’ve hauled an awkward 150 pound box up two flights of curved stairs, by yourself, in 90°F temps.

at that point, i decided to heck with the spinning class, i was going to (a) call for a pizza, (b) try to figure out how to install the a/c unit, and then (c) collapse. so i unpacked the a/c unit, and promptly got lost for 45 minutes by the terribly vague instructions. but then the pizza guy arrived…

and he brought the wrong pizza. i had ordered “cheese, sausage, pineapple, and mushrooms.” i got “cheese, sausage, pineapple, and shrimp.”

i ask you. who the hell puts SHRIMP on PIZZA???

i like to think of myself as reasonably culinarily adventurous, and besides it would be another 45 minutes if i called to demand a replacement pizza that did not involve tiny pink seafood, so i gave it a shot. — friends, while i am willing to entertain the possibility that that combination of pizza toppings offers some merits, not among those merits is “delicious.”

further complicating the pizza debacle is the fact that, since i very rarely order pizza, when i do, i order a large pizza with the intention of putting most of it in the fridge to enjoy later. however, this time, i have one tupperware thing full of pizza in the fridge, and rather than taking care to wrap up the bits that didn’t fit in the tupperware, i just pitched several pieces. it’s just plain not very good pizza. it’s sort of desperation pizza. even picking the shrimp off didn’t help, because they infected the cheese with shrimp flavor.

i am forced again to ask — who the hell puts SHRIMP on PIZZA???

also, i miss my mushrooms. i always get mushrooms on pizza! dammit.

so i retired to irc to go help solve someone’s mysql woes so i could feel at least somewhat accomplished. during that time, i had an epiphany about some of the bad a/c assembly instructions, went back to work on that some more, solved the problems, got the cabinet basically ready to be mounted… and then i noticed that the instructions expect me to drill into my window. my nice newish vinyl double-paned windows that are not at all wooden and crappy. so i gave up on the a/c for the evening. i was not sure what i would do to solve this problem, but i was certain that i wouldn’t be doing it today.

and it was about then that i realized that in my haste to get home after being stuck in traffic, in order to unload the a/c in a hurry so i could run back downtown to go to the spinning class that i wound up blowing off because, frankly, hauling that much weight up those twisty stairs by yourself is a pain in the ass and you wind up with sore hands, i had completely forgotten to go by the laundromat and pick up my clean clothes. so now i have to get in the car and run over there real fast before work in the morning, or else, like, wear a skirt to work. which is obviously not going to happen.

…

anybody got a saw and want to make your pal niqui a nice plywood frame for her bedroom window so she can mount her shiny new a/c unit and not have it fall three stories to the ground? i’ll bake you cupcakes…

Dear White Sox:

That was pathetic.

Love and criticism,
–s.

Dear Media Executives:

Here’s why using the DMCA to force take down of fair-use clips of your copyrighted material is a bad idea.

1. I saw a clip from an episode of Boston Legal, via YouTube, posted to a blog I read. I watched it. I enjoyed it.
2. As a result of (1), I decided that I would set my DVR to record Boston Legal. I watched it. I enjoyed it.
3. As a result of (2), I decided to buy the first season of Boston Legal on DVD. I watched it. I enjoyed it.
4. As a result of (3), I decided to buy the second season of Boston Legal on DVD.

As a direct result of someone posting a three-minute clip of a James Spader diatribe to YouTube, you have made over $50 in retail sales.

And that’s why bludgeoning people with the DMCA is bad.

Love,
–sabrina

ladies and gentlemen, i am about to step out of my house in order to travel to US Cellular Field to watch the Chicago White Sox take on the fierce Tampa Bay Devil Rays. this will be the fourth baseball game i have had tickets for this season. each of my previous scheduled games has been either (a) snowed on or (b) rained out. i have actually seen one game at the ballpark so far this season.

the forecast calls for a 34% chance of thunderstorms by game time.

wish me luck.

i discovered something new this evening.

if you try to make jell-o instant pudding with rice milk instead of cow milk, it doesn’t work, and you wind up with bowls of pudding soup sitting in your fridge.

now i’m sad. that was my very favorite flavor of pudding.

alas.

Dear Headache:

You have been plaguing me for this entire week. Actually, you were plaguing me last week too. It’s time you were on your way. I am tired of you. Shoo. Shoo!

Sincerely (shoo! shoo!),
–sabrina

Dear Springtime Cold:

You have also overstayed your welcome. I’ve gone through two boxes of Sudafed, and they make you show ID for that shit now. At least Headache had the decency to be able to be mitigated with an over-the-counter drug. You require effort, and also Kleenex accessories. And I am running low on Kleenex. Go away!

Snifflingly,
–sabrina

May 21, 2007

Sabrina L Downard
Chicago, IL

Food and Drug Administration
5600 Fishers Lane
Rockville, Maryland 20857

To Whom It May Concern:

I am a regular reader of the Consumerist blog (www.consumerist.com), a web log dedicated to customer service issues. It was there, in a post entitled “Chinese Poison Train Declared Unstoppable,” that I learned about your OASIS site, and specifically, a listing of products refused entry into the United States from China in April, 2007 because they did not meet FDA standards.

You know, I had never, ever considered that someone out there had the job of going through questionable food products and labeling them “Filthy.” I just take it for granted that my food isn’t gross. The next time someone lectures me about a “nanny state,” I think I’ll give them your OASIS web site URL.

Especially in light of Chinese manufacturers’ recent exportation of, e.g., diethylene glycol labeled as glycerine where it eventually poisoned cough syrup (something I found particularly horrifying), I just wanted to take a minute and write a thank you letter for everyone who is out there silently keeping we regular Joes safe by preventing unsafe imports.

Thank you.
Sabrina L Downard

Cc: Sen. Richard Durbin; Sen. Barack Obama.

oh, what the hell. it had been forever since i’d sent anyone a love letter. besides, seriously — y’all should read that page. someone is out there going through food imports that they eventually apply a legal description of “putrid or decomposed” to and kicking it right the hell back out of the country. WHOEVER YOU ARE, MYSTERY FDA PERSON, YOU ARE AWESOME.

i really liked bill richardson’s campaign Job Interview ads. i thought they were cute and informative, they kept my attention, and they were totally positive. they actually made me smile. seriously, how often do you see campaign ads that make you smile? just for that, he gets a nickel out of niqui’s campaign contribution jar.

this makes me want to write a fan letter to the Food and Drug Administration. hooray for the federal government! they got my back!

consider: there is a whole category called “FILTHY.”

well, as it turns out, the arcade fire show friday rocked so much i had to go back for seconds tonight.

it was also pretty awesome tonight. slightly less instrument-destructiony, but more instrument-throwing-into-the-airy.

hooray for craigslist!

nice job there in the 7th, neal cotts! nice to see you haven’t lost your amazing ability to give up runs just by moving to the north side! at least it worked in our favor for once…hahahahahahahahaha!

also, you know, i’ve been meaning to say this for a while, but i just love a.j. i just ordered a t-shirt with his name and number on it. so now i can wear paulie’s number when i feel angelic, and a.j.’s when i feel like stirring up some shit. teehee.

so several weeks ago a friend told me, “oh, you’ve got to watch this show on NBC, it’s called ‘Thank God You’re Here,’ it’s improv with Dave Foley.” dutifully, i tuned in, and found it to be pretty good. i happily added it to the tivo’s season passes and went along with my life. tonight i watched the most recent episode, which happened to be the season finale, and i was sad because it meant that it would be a while before there were new episodes.

then i popped over to wikipedia to read up and discovered that it has already been cancelled. along with the other new shoes on NBC’s lineup that i liked — studio 60 (which i knew already) and Raines.

but oh well. at least this leaves more room on the schedule for two nights of howie mandel and Deal or No Deal, because that shit is worth watching.

i already got to the point, many years ago, where i refused to watch anything on FOX until it’s made it through its first season, since FOX seem to have a supernatural ability to sense out the shows that don’t suck and cancel them after 6 episodes or so, and i got really, really tired of watching something, enjoying it, and and then see it get summarily crushed in order to make room for something wretched like American Idol. this year i broke the rule, since a couple of shows looked interesting — Vanished (disappeared after 6 episodes, never to return), and Standoff (disappeared after about 8 or so, was promised to return in May, did not; is now promised to return in June, to which i say: suuuuu-uuuuuure it will.). i watch House — but i didn’t tune in until season 2. do i have to extend this rule to cover NBC now too?

seriously, what the hell does a halfway decent series have to do to make it past 12 episodes with you people? maybe if you wouldn’t cancel all the television shows that require you to have a brain in addition to a pulse in before they even make it to half a season, you’d have better viewing numbers! idiots!

niqui stomp. niqui like Dave Foley!

i think it’s quite fair to say that arcade fire rocked the everlasting shit out of the chicago theatre this evening. two hours! exuberance! clapping! shouting into megaphones! it was the very best kind of madness.

also: the performance really served to underline, boldface, add exclamation points to what an excellent album Funeral is.

man oh man, that was a good show.

mmm. CTA chief warns of fare hikes, service cuts: must be summertime!

“I can say that shortfall will cause us to raise fares. It will cause us to cut back significantly on service,” Huberman said. “There is no other way to get around $110 million.” … No frontline jobs like those held by bus drivers, train operators, janitors and maintenance workers were slashed [in the cuts two weeks ago]. But Huberman warned at the time that the cuts were just the beginning, and service reductions were possible if the state legislature did not approve additional transit funding.

yes, yes, it’s always dire news for us “if the state legislature does not approve additional funding.” well, you know what, guys, every time i’m in peoria and i get into a discussion as to why their taxes should subsidize my commute (yeah, i discuss politics with my family – it’s clearly a mistake but once in a while i just can’t seem to stop myself), sometimes i have a little bit of a hard time of it. if you guys did a little outreach and described how chicago benefits the rest of the state financially, instead of just blowing them off as irrelevant, maybe the rest of the state wouldn’t always be so resistant to handing out massive piles of cash. i’m just sayin.

seriously, it seems to me that part of the problem is that the rest of the state has no reason to be proud of having a city like chicago in illinois. on the whole, we’re pushy, we disagree politically with the rest of them a LOT which is interesting since we’re also completely politically corrupt and everyone openly acknowledges it, we’re “rich” and they’re “poor,” we think they’re hicks, et cetera. we have fine sports teams but it’s too expensive to come up from bloomington to watch a bears game, and it’s too scary to drive up and watch a cubs game (what the hell with the parking?!). we’re sort of a pain in their ass, actually. what has chicago done recently to make illinois proud of us, proud enough to want to help keep us that way? we may think we’re a world-class city, but i can guarantee you that plenty of people in sullivan, illinois think we’re damnfool idiots.

because high school isn’t hard enough as it is, students in Crystal Lake are here to help:

McHenry County State’s Attorney Lou Bianchi said the students clearly broke the law when they printed and distributed fliers that showed a male student and another boy kissing, along with inflammatory statements about homosexuality.

Police charged two 16-year-old Crystal Lake girls last week with committing a hate crime, disorderly conduct, and obstructing justice.

i’m sure you’ve made fred phelps a very happy man, as well.